9th Feb

The bus to work was late and smelled like a fat girls bellybutton. Then I was 4 seconds late from a break and was docked 15 minutes pay for my troubles. Today sucked balls

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13th Feb

On the bus home from work a bloke was breathing from his mouth with his tongue sticking out a little bit. His eyes were too close together and his loud breathing annoyed the fuck out of me for the 20 minute journey home. I also have £70 to last me until the end of the month. This shit job can suck my arse.

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14th Feb

I've been sat underneath the loudest fucking speaker on the planet. I'm sick of hearing the bastard scissor sisters at 2 million decibels and work are still randomly playing christmas songs. I asked my manager to turn the music down or move me so I could, you know, actually hear the customers and do my job. He offered to move me two seats further down the bank of desks, still pretty much directly under the speaker. I got sick of trying to explain how sound actually fucking works and decided to enjoy the rest of my day with a banging headache.

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16th Feb

It was inevitable since we were so massively over-staffed. We are officially downsizing. Half the fucktards I work with probably got excited and thought that meant we were hiring more midgets. If I get sacked I'm going to shit in my had and throw it at people on my way out

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17th Feb

Today I decided to put some shelves up because I'm such a manly bastard. It took me a while but I found the right pair of jeans for the job, you can't lord it about the place with power tools unless your arse crack is showing a little bit. By the time I'd finished I was so pumped with testosterone I had 3 new grey hairs, a full beard and my wang was 4% bigger.

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19th Feb

Today some uppity bint came over to me when I was with my manager and asked her why I was wearing sandshoes when everyone else was wearing shoes. I hate when people talk about me when I'm standing right there so I explained that sand SHOES were in fact, shoes. She said they were trainers. Really? So I was wearing sand trainers then? Who gives a shit? I work on the telephone and I've never once been asked by a customer what footwear I was wearing.

The same old tart once saw me wearing my lip ring and practically cried so hard she had a period until I took it out.

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That's it for this week. The posts are already becoming less frequent because I'm sick of writing about my dull as shit days. I'll stick it out until the end of the year as promised and them I'm binning it off.

See you next week diary you itchy fanny wart

.Mike B

29th Jan

I don't go to shitty council estate pubs because they're always full of inbred looking arseholes and it always kicks off. Somehow I was convinced that this one was different and agreed to go along. It wasn't. It was like walking into one flew over the cuckoos nest, I'm pretty sure I saw a giant indian throwing a sink through a window. There was an exra from the hills have eyes singing Rod Stewart songs on the kareoke.

I'm not sure if there was an official rule on the amount of teeth and working eyes allowed in the place but there was a definite shortage of both. Sure enough, it all kicked off and will be the last time I drink in one of those dumps.

I lived on that shithole estate for 27 years. Anyone with any sense gets out of there as soon as possible. The only thing keeping any of the decent people back are family ties. You know what I thought when I left? Adios fuckers, I'll see you at christmas and I'll text you on your birthdays.

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02 Feb

Had the day off work with a case of the Ballroom Blitz. Just saw Jamie Oliver on daytime TV dribbling and lisping like a fucking moron. Who would eat food made by that retarded fuck monkey? 20% of the sauces on his meals is his own saliva, the dribbling fucking mongoloid.

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04 Feb

Bought myself a normal sized packet of crisps for £1.60. They were "hand cooked". I had visions of a chef individually frying each crisp with a pair of tweasers, before lovingly sprinkling each one with the finest flavoured salt money could buy. Turns out they were just like normal crisps but tasted like a mixture of lies and betrayal. When I finished eating them I sat on the toilet for a little bit and cried.

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05 Feb

Took my mother out for a meal to celebrate her birthday. It cost a small fortune so I ate as much as I could manage. I was supposed to be going straight to pub for drinks afterwards but I ate so much I had to go home to take my trousers off and have a lie down.

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07 Feb

Today at work my lesban friend Lee told me he bought himself 3 pairs of underpants for £30. That's £10 each. That son of a bitch is on too much money. Ten bastard pounds to stop himself getting skids in his jeans. At lunch he went to the toilet and took his sandwich with him. That's a room where 200 people go to shit and he thinks it's ok to sit and eat in there. He might as well have just passed that sandwich around the office and let everyone fart in it.


Sorry for the late post but I'm already sick of writing about my boring ass weeks.

See you next time diary you filthy gypsy.

Love

Mike B