07 Jan

Couple of days off work was just what the doctor ordered, I must have been tired since I had over 10 hours sleep the last two nights. Nothing much to report from my time off, although I did manage to burn my cunting finger on my George Foreman grill trying to squeeze it shut on a panini.

It's exactly one week until my birthday. I know I'm getting old because over christmas I managed to pull a muscle in my neck having a shit.

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8th Jan

am:
Just woke up after having a night of weird dreams. First I dreamt that work had me testing a tarantulas feeding habits by poking it with a straw in the face, it jumped up my arm and I woke up shitting my pants. Then I dreamt that I went for a pee and noticed a condom floating in the toilet, I decided that my deaf neighbors must be secretly having sex in my house. I was livid. I don't read too much into dreams though because I'm not a massive homosexual


pm:
Work are still playing christmas songs, what the fuck is that all about? The next time I hear Last Christmas by Wham! some cunt is going out of a window.

Just got off the bus home from work. There were a couple of loud, annoying chavs on the back speaking really loudly and swearing. It was annoying the shit out of the three old people sat in front of me so it didn't piss me off as much as usual. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that jaz. I pretty much ignored them but kept hearing snippets that the chav bird was saying to the bloke. First I caught "she said she thought I was about 32. Cheeky fucking cow, I'm 36 but I know I don't even look 30", then the next conversation ended with her saying "I'm just sick of being treated like a sex object by men". I couldn't resist, I had to look around at this gorgeous, younger than 30 looking bundle of sex....
I wish I'd taken a picture, she looked about 50 and was fucking hideous. She was like boner Kryptonite. I always thought the story of the virgin Mary conceiving Jesus without having sex was bollocks, but if that bird ever gets pregnant, immaculate conception would be the only rational explanation. She was so fucking ugly that she probably couldn't even masturbate for fear of catching a glimps of her own reflection and being sick. If the elephant man was out on the pull and was about 15 pints in, he would still take one look at her and think he could do better

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12th Jan

Saw a man walking his dog today. The dog was wearing a coat. What fucking moron dresses their dog? It's not like the dog was going bald so it needed it. Even if it was wouldn't some sort of dog wig be more like it? Dogs are born with a coat already on them. Putting a jacket on a dog is like giving a pidgeon a fucking parachute.


That's pretty much it for this week diary, you stupid gaylord.

Love

Mike B