22nd Jan
Pretty uneventful day, the only highlight was seeing a woman on the bus who looked like Gene Wilder.

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23rd Jan

I've officially run out of money. My old lady was kind enough to send a care package round with some money and stuff for sandwiches. It's ridiculous. If I was any pooror that fat wanker Lenny Henry would be on tv doing a fundraiser for me. People in africa are sending me jumpers. Why the fuck am I working 40 hours a week to be skint? I can be this broke on the dole without working any cunting hours

I even had to do work poo today because I ran out of toilet paper. I was faced with the agonising choice between a seat or a lock, you can't have both at my office. I can't relax without a lock but can't poo if  I have to hover. They really spoil us at that place. In the end I just went up to the third floor where they have towels and everything. It's supposed to be haunted up there but I'm not a complete fuckwit, so the thought of imaginary beasties in the dark didn't put my off having one of the most enjoyable poos of my career so far. I got back to my desk about a stone lighter only to discover they're still playing bastard christmas songs at work.

For tea I ate half a jar of pickled onions and thought I was actually going to die.

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24th Jan

This morning at work there were only 2 people supposed to be in between 8 and 9. There are usually about 14 but for some reason they only had 2 of us in for the first hour. At 10 past 8 Kerry called me to let me know I'd have to man the fort until she got there because she'd slept in. I was still in bed dreaming about punching Will Smiths nuts in. This is what happens when the only two people they get to come in are also the flakiest at the best of times. There was no work done for the first hour of the day as all our desks sat empty. They weren't amused with me but fuck it, you can't do 3 weeks of late shifts and then just magically adjust your body clock to start getting up earlier

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26th Jan

We had the directors in the office today. They were meeting with some Orange reps so they wanted us to look more proffessional. They went all out, the walls were repainted, shirts were tucked in, they even stocked up on toilet roll. I'm pretty sure one guy I saw had combed his moustache.

They wanted great performances out of us so they ran a bunch of competitions between all of the teams, with amazing "cash prizes" to be given out at the end of the day. There was best dressed, cleanest work areas and a bunch of other crap. My team won one of them and the cash prize turned out to be £5. I know what you're thinking, £5 each is a little bit shit, not really worth putting in any extra effort at all. Turned out it wasn't £5 each. It was £5 to share between 14 of us. I still haven't decided what to do with my share.

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27th Jan

Saw a midget woman pushing her boyfriend in a wheelchair. Then I wasted over an hour trying to sort my new mobile phone delivery out.

That's it for this post, another boring ass week out of the way. I'll start on next weeks later on if I can be bothered. I'm still hung over from last night and pissed off with UPS and Virgin. See you next time diary you ginger wanker.

Love

Mike B