13th Jan

First connect four, then chess and now crosswords are banned from the office. Between taking calls there is literally nothing to do and since most days we're massively over-staffed, we pretty much sit around waiting for the next call to come in. Occasionally we'll have a quiet game of connect four or something to pass the countless hours we spend bored. Our manager must have looked up and saw someone smiling because board games were immediately banned. I can understand banning board games, but crosswords? Come on, it's writing and thinking. I know they don't like us actually thinking at that place but it's just getting fucking ridiculous. Crosswords are banned but playing tennis with a ball made out of taped up paper is apparently fine.

On the plus side the girls were playing bone, marry, kill today between calls. Turns out they all want to bone me and no one wants to kill me. It's only natural though, they've got eyes.

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15th Jan

Went laptop shopping with the worst hangover in history. My grampa bought himself one so he could go on the internet. I told him to type whatever he's looking for into google. My gran thinks he's going to type "wife number 5". She wasn't happy, wait until she sees the the weird japanese tentacle porn I put in his favourites...

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16th Jan

Day before yesterday I got to work early and agreed to help out 10 mins before my shift officially started. After lunch I got back to my desk early and started checking some manual work before I was due back on. I accidentally went 14 seconds over before logging back in. Fair enough, I thought, I'd already worked on my own dime so they'd let it slide. They didn't. I was docked 15 minutes pay and now have to go to a meeting about those 14 seconds that will be put on my record (the record they'll look at when they decide whether I pass my probation or not). No mention of the early starts and working in my own time, or the time I helped out when they were short staffed, working a 12 hour shift with a chest infection. Good to know just how much you're valued sometimes. In future I'm not even acknowledging anyone in my free time, they can wait until I'm logged on and being paid before I'll even say good cunting morning.

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18th Jan

Bought  a Ginsters pasty on my way home from work for tea. It was £2.50. Two pound bastard fifty!!! I could have cried when I ate it and it was shite

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20th Jan

Spent the day with a motivational speaker. Apparently, work decided I wasn't motivated enough. I'm sure they had visions of me coming back a changed man, all positive and happy. It didn't work out that way. I knew things were off to a bad start when I managed to offend some scouse bint with an inappropriate comment. If someone is doing a word association exercise and asks you to say the first thing that comes to mind when they say "children" what do they expect? My answer of "sexy" didn't go down too well but it amused me and that's all I give a shit about. The highlight of the day was Kirsty getting her arse cheek stuck in the elevator door on the way out. How the hell do you get one cheek stuck in the door? We almost had to get the fire brigade out and everything. I also kissed a man, he loved it the lucky son of a bitch.

That's it for this week diary, I'm already bored of writing in you so I might have to sack you off and go look at titties on the internet.

Love

Mike B